


I am a robot (song fic)

by subatomichowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan Angst, Phanfiction, Slight Triggers, Songfic, angsty, i'm not sure if this is good?, iRobot, jonbellion, phan jon bellion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 14:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7271689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subatomichowell/pseuds/subatomichowell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell and Phil Lester seemed to have an amazing relationship. Everything was going well for them. Up until the first argument, where things became rocky between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am a robot (song fic)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this around 1-2 AM, sorry if there are any typos or grammatical mistakes  
> -
> 
> The lyrics are from iRobot by Jon Bellion on The Human Condition (which i highly recommend)
> 
> -
> 
> //  
> This fic has some triggers, (cutting and slight eating disorders). Stay safe and don't read/be careful if you are easily triggered by these topics

_I was a human, breathing and thinking_

_Eating and drinking, philosophizing_

Dan’s day was amazing. He woke up with a smile on his face, wrapped in Phil’s arms. He snuggled in closer. Couldn’t he wait just a little longer? He felt Phil tighten his arms and stretch out. “G’morning.” Phil mumbled sleepily to Dan.

“Good morning.” Dan replied happily.

“What’re you so happy ‘bout?” Phil squeezed Dan.

“Life. I mean, we are in a great place in our lives. Everything is finally falling into place.” Dan replied, smiling softly.

“Alright, Plato, we better get up before the day is gone.” Phil teased Dan, kissing his forehead.

“Okay, I guess.” Dan turned his face toward Phil and connected their lips, despite morning breath.

 

_I was a human, before you killed me_

_And ripped my heart out, I knew what love was_

“You need to stop treating me like a child, Phil!” Dan yelled out.

“Maybe if you would’ve listened to me before getting flat-out drunk, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place!” Phil retorted.

“Well, sorry I was trying to have fun with my friends.”

“Oh, really? I thought we were best friends, Dan? Remember, you never had one until you were eighteen? Who helped you through all of the shit you’ve gotten yourself into? Who fought for you at every point in time? Where were your “friends” when that happened?” Phil yelled at Dan.

Dan felt his heart split into four.

“Don’t forget, who created your whole career? I got you to this point, Dan. I could’ve left you in the—“

“No.” Dan cut him off. “Shut up.” Dan stood up and went to his room, slamming the door. He locked it for good measure.

 

_Now when they ask me, I just reply slow_

_And sound like an iPhone_

“Dan, are you okay?” Louise asked Dan. They decided to go out for lunch, and Phil said that he was ‘busy.’

“Yes.” Dan replied automatically.

“Dan, really, you can tell me anything.”

“Louise, I said I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You and Phil seem a little distant and—“

“I said, I’m fine. Can you please respect me and listen to what I say?” Dan gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on his legs.

“Okay. Whatever you say.” Louise replied halfheartedly.

 

_I do not know love, I am a robot_

_I do not know love, I am a robot_

_I used to know love_

Dan was scrolling through tumblr, and saw many posts with the word ‘love’ in it. He laughed bitterly. So many people ‘loved’ this or that, but they didn’t know his pain. How many arguments he and Phil had had since the first. Every time they were to speak, it would spark into some kind of disagreement. It hurt Dan so much, yet he didn’t know what to do. Suddenly, they became disconnected. Dan wanted to go back to when they first met. Oh, how strong the emotions were that day.

 

_Cause I had a fire, passion and desire_

_Now all I require are circuits and wires_

Dan lost fascination in everything. Once, he tried to play on his DS. Mario Kart wasn’t a good distraction for the overwhelming sadness he felt. He tried to reflect on how he felt before all of this happened. It seemed like everything was turning out great. He and Phil had a great relationship, at least he thought they did. Dan stiffly laughed. His heart yearned for something more. No, he couldn’t turn to pity sex. He wouldn’t. For now.

 

_Inside was an ocean of soul and emotion_

_Then you cut me open, now all that I know is_

Instead of filming videos, Dan was sitting in his room. He could no longer cry, for his tears had already run out. He felt nothing. He needed something to make him feel. Whether happiness or hurt, he didn’t care. He wanted something other than emptiness. His head was hurting from constantly thinking. He couldn’t escape his thoughts. There were no distractions. At least he thought so.

 

_I am a robot, thoughtless and empty_

_Don’t know who sent me, don’t know who made me_

Per usual, Dan was having an existential crisis. His existential crisis is not a ‘relatable’ or ‘funny’ occurrence. This was not a lay-face-down type of crisis. He couldn’t move. He was immobilized with fear and began to silently cry. He needed something, anything. He needed to feel. How long had it been since he felt anything? Too long.

Dan shakily stood up and walked quietly to the bathroom. He locked the door and looked under the sink. He spotted it. No, he couldn’t. This was an old habit he got rid of years ago. Yet, he needed it. His wrists were practically itching for it. “Just once…” Dan mumbled quietly.

Dan drew the blade against his wrist. Suddenly, he felt it. It hurt, quite a lot. It was an improvement on feeling nothing. He drew two more lines. He froze. What was he doing? This wasn’t him! He never did this, Phil would never—

Phil was gone.

Phil isn’t with him anymore.

He drew three more lines, just for good measure.

 

_Electric robot, everything’s gray now_

_Numb to the pain now, I knew what love was_

It became routine. Eat breakfast, go on his laptop, skip lunch, think of video ideas, have a crisis, eat dinner, cut. He had to continue with videos. If he didn’t, what else would keep him ‘employed’? Dan constantly wore long sleeves. Phil would not find these scars. He would not hear Dan cut. He would not find out his flatmate was dying inside.

It was Dan’s designated time to cut. How twisted and dark was that? Dan walked into the bathroom like a robot. He got out his trusted razor and began working on his arms. He heard a knock on the bathroom door. Dan immediately stopped and held his breath.

“Dan? Are you in there?”

“Yes?” Dan replied to Phil’s voice.

“Oh, well we were invited to dinner next week with the usual people.”  
“Okay?” Dan replied hesitantly.

“I needed to know if you wanted to go. We, er, you don’t need to go if you don’t want to. I-I know it’s been, um,” Phil cleared his throat. “A bit hard, so you don’t have to go.”

“Okay, I don’t think I will.” Dan replied, as blood started to flow freely from his arm.

“Dan, can we talk sometime?” Phil’s voice shook slightly.

Dan laughed to himself, sure Phil cared.“Yeah, let me finish up in the bathroom.”

“Okay,” Phil said. Dan heard him walk away and began cutting. This time, they were quite deep.

 

_Now when they ask me, I just reply slow_

_And sound like an iPhone_

“I was wondering how you’re doing with, um, all of this.” Phil gestured between both of them. Dan felt like laughing. How he was doing, what a joke.

“I—I don’t know—I guess I’m okay?” Dan said, covering up his voice change on the word ‘okay.’

“Alright, I just wanted to check because it seems like we are drifting apart.”

“Phil, I don’t want another argument. It isn’t good for either of us. We need to talk, but just another time? Please?” Dan used his ‘get anything’ voice he would use when they were still together.

“O-Okay. Another time, then.”

 

_I do not know love, I am a robot_

_I do not know love, I am a robot_

_I used to know love_

Dan was looking through his YouTube subscription box. Every time he came across a reference to ‘love,’ he felt the metaphorical knife dig deeper. His heart was hurting and he felt like he just wanted to go to bed. Every day it got worse. His routine was no longer healthy. He lost around 5-10 pounds from barely eating. His body made constant requests, yet he denied them. If he were to go get food, he would no doubt see Phil. 

Phil made him want to cut more, just because he was afraid. Afraid of Phil’s reaction, afraid of Phil’s love. He didn’t want to get hurt by Phil again. It’s quite ironic, since he is hurting himself. 

He remembers Phil’s love like it was yesterday. Their love was like a blooming flower, until Phil crushed it in his hand. Their kisses melted like honey. Phil used to smell like home. Now every time Dan smells Phil’s scent, he smells hurt. Hurt that relates to rejection and misunderstanding. He didn’t want that scent.

 

_Cause I had a fire, passion and desire_

_Now all I require are circuits and wires_

He hated everything. Everyone was so happy. Nobody cared about him. He no longer mattered to anyone. His viewers liked Phil better, anyway. It didn’t help that whenever Dan released a video, he would have to play it cool. He faked a smile when filming. Later, he also had to act like he was fine when responding to tweets. It hurt, knowing that the viewers didn’t know what he did.

He knew his channel was dropping, but did he care? He’s weak. While Phil is thriving, Dan is a self-conscious, pitiful fool. That’s just how it works. Dan is happy for Phil. At least one of their careers were growing. Dan wasn’t ready for the radio show in three days. Their first fight had been after the radio show. They needed to plan things for it, yet Dan couldn’t think of anything.

 

_Inside was an ocean of soul and emotion_

_Then you cut me open, now all that I know is_

“So, do you have any ideas?” Phil asked Dan.

“We could always do our usual show,” Dan mumbled.

“I meant for the hashtag that we will use tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Dan asked, his eyes widening. He wasn’t ready. No, not at all.

“Listen,” Phil said seriously. “If you need to take a day off, I can cover it. It’s all okay. I understand you need rest. I just need help with coming up with the hashtag.”

“It’s not okay, Phil. I literally do nothing and ever since our stupid ‘breakup’ or whatever, I’ve been doing nothing. I need something, just anything!” Dan yelled.

“Calm down, Dan. Just help me—“

“I don’t want to come up with a fucking hashtag, Phil. I can’t handle this anymore!” Dan swiped off some of the papers and walked off.

 

_I am a robot_

_I am a robot_

_I used to know love_

“Dan?” Phil called outside of Dan’s room. “Can you let me in?” No response. “Please?” Still nothing.

“I don’t have anything to say, Phil. I can’t do anything and I’m,” Dan took a breath. “I’m done with it.”

“Dan, please let me in.” Phil knocked on the door lightly. “C’mon Dan. We need to talk. It’ll help both of us. Trust me.” No response. “We can do whatever you want just let me talk to you.” A quiet shuffle, then nothing. “Dan, let me in. I love y—“

Dan flung the door open with tear-stained cheeks. “Don’t you dare, don’t you fucking dare say that to me now. You do not understand what I’ve been through. You never will understand. So please just leave me. Leave me to die, I don’t care.”

“I want to understand.” Phil said simply. He tried to grab Dan’s hand and Dan’s sweater rode up a bit. Phil saw.

“No.” Dan said, closing the door. Dan knows Phil saw. No, no.

 

_Cause I had a fire, passion and desire_

_Now all I require are circuits and wires_

Later that night, Dan walked to the bathroom and took out his razor. It is time, once again. Dan cut deeper this time, knowing Phil saw. How idiotic was he to let Phil see that? Of course. 

“Dan?” Phil called, knocking on the bathroom door.

“Y-yeah?” Dan called back, knowing what Phil was going to say.

“Let me in. Now.”

“No.”

“Do it, if you have nothing to hide. If not, I’m finding a way in.”

“Phil, you don’t care about me, it doesn’t matter.” Dan whispered against the door.

“That’s were you’re wrong, Dan. I love you so much.” Dan felt nothing. “And before you interrupt, I don’t care if you don’t love me. Open this door.”

 

_Inside was an ocean of soul and emotion_

_Then you cut me open, now all that I know is_

Dan opens the door. 

“Dan, oh my god. Come here, we need to treat these now. I love you, please, why did you do this to yourself?” Phil whispered reassurances to Dan as he bandaged up the wounds.

“I-I don’t know.” Dan replied. “I needed to feel something, b-but I didn’t want you to find out. I—“ Phil shushed him.

“It’s okay, well not now, but it will be. We’ll get back to how we were, yeah?” Phil held Dan closer.

“I don’t know, we can’t prove anything. What if it’s like last time—“

Phil quickly attached their lips together into a sweet, much needed kiss.

 

_I am a robot_

Not today.


End file.
